The Zeigarnik Effect: The Science of Ghosting and How it Messes with Your Brain

Melissa Hughes
Mar 24
3 min read

Updated: Jun 5

Recently, I saw a social media post about a mom who planned a birthday party for her 5-year-old son. Even though she got lots of RSVPs, not a single person showed up.

Who ghosts a child?!

We all hate it when someone ghosts us, both professionally and personally because of the Zeigarnik Effect. This is a phenomenon that makes our brain linger on to something that is unresolved, unfinished or demands closure.

Though everyone agrees that it's a horrible way to treat people, ghosting—the act of abruptly cutting off communication without explanation—has become alarmingly commonplace. While often associated with romantic relationships, it permeates friendships, family ties, and even professional interactions.

In our digital age, where communication is just a tap away, the ease of disappearing without a trace has never been greater. Ironically, advances in technology have made us both more connected and more lonely. There’s more spontaneity in a face-to-face conversation and more nonverbal communication such as body language, facial expression and tone of voice.

That smartphone we simply can’t live without creates a heavy reliance on asynchronous communication. You text me. I read your text. I send my response. I wait for your response. We crave instant gratification. And as easy as it is to communicate, it’s even easier to disappear without a trace. Many times, it isn't malicious; it's more like indifference. Benign neglect.

Benign neglect: well-intentioned noninterference in the hope that a situation or problem will resolve itself

Professionally and personally, neglect is rarely benign, and it is destructive to any relationship. For more about how ghosting manifests in the workplace, check out Yonason Goldson's FastCompany piece.

Because our devices archive our relationships—including open loops and fragmented conversations—we are hyper-aware when we’ve been ghosted. And it sucks. We can rationalize that it says more about the ghoster then the ghostee, but logic is rarely a match for the power of emotion.

The Zeigarnik Effect

The Zeigarnik Effect partially explains why being ghosted is so unsettling. The Zeigarnik Effect is the psychological phenomenon of tasks and events that have been interrupted or left incomplete having more of an emotional impact than those that have been completed.

Bluma Zeigarnik (1927) first saw this effect in waiters, who seemed to remember orders only so long as the order was in the process of being served and promptly forgot the order as soon as it was finished. Her experiments revealed that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones

Check out my TEDx Talk: I'm a Fraud; I think You're a Fraud, Too — Find out what the Zeigarnik Effect has to do with ghosting in my TEDx Talk: I'm a Fraud; I think You're a Fraud, Too

If you’re being ghosted, remind yourself: this isn’t a reflection of your worth — it’s a reflection of their character. Ask yourself how much more of your precious energy this person actually deserves. And if you’re thinking about ghosting someone? Pause and check yourself: is this about avoiding discomfort… or simply a lack of emotional maturity? Either way, ghosting is emotional cruelty.

Most of us don't like to reject other people. Even telling a prospective candidate they didn't get the job can cause angst. But you can end a relationship with kindnes and candor - whether it's professional or personal.

“Thank you for your time yesterday. The team was very impressed with your experience and accomplishments. The fact that the group decided to move forward with another candidate should in no way imply otherwise. I wish we could choose two people!”

"Hey, I want to be upfront because I care about you and value the history we’ve shared. Lately, though, I’ve realized I need some space to focus on my own growth and well-being. This isn’t easy, and it doesn’t take away from how much I appreciate the good times we’ve had. I hope you can understand, and I truly wish you nothing but the best."

Why these responses work: